I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
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