If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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