I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
where are you?
Hypothermia
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
