Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
