My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I lost the right to judge tonight
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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