Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
