I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
