She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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