Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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