dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
