I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
