he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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