Umm I'm too high to move.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
