her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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