I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
