A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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