Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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