i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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