I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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