On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
