My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
