I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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