wakey wakey hands off snakey
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
