My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Randomize
