Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Please don't give away my fajitas
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize