On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
