I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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