So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
