i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
