my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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