Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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