Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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