Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
