My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
