U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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