hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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