just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
