when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
