you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
