how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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