my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
