the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
