I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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