just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
