Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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