My Higher Power is John Stamos
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
