you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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