rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
