If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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