this boner is exhausting
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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