I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
