There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
