It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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