I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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