Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
