I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
