I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
