Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize