My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
