Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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