to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
