disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
