i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
