oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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